Written by: Siddhartha Krishnan | 14-Min Read

It’s not easy to put loss into words. More so for eventualities like death, which are permanent. It’s not that they can’t be worded, but they cloud our minds so much that we lose the ability to think logically, to the point where we lose a sense of reality. I guess it’s the permanence of the loss that makes us feel that way. It’s also perhaps the reason why, within our species, the death ritual is the most ancient, at least that’s what science tells us.

I lost Joshua in July of 2021. It took me a while to understand the loss.

***

After Joshua’s first arthritic attack, recovery was slow but steady. It had taken him six months to just stand. So we knew it wasn’t going to be easy thereafter. A strict diet, daily walks, therapy, and massages gradually helped him regain strength. He had lost a lot of weight, and his gaunt frame was a constant reminder of the battle he had fought. But dogs don’t dwell in misery for long. Joshua, resilient and stubborn, was young at heart. Within a few months, he was ready to go on his walks.

We moved again, this time to an apartment in a quiet colony with wooden floors—perfect for him. The floors gave him better traction than the slippery tiles of our earlier house, and the absence of stray dogs meant he wouldn’t get agitated or risk further injury. Even so, he remained unpredictable.

On sunny days, we’d go out for slow walks. He’d stop often, mesmerized by the rustling leaves, the birds in the distance, or a new scent carried by the wind. Sometimes, he would just lie down, letting the breeze tousle his fur. These walks weren’t about covering ground anymore; they were to keep him engaged, a part of the world. He barked less—just a low grumble now and then—but mostly, he was quiet, and observant.

Rainy days were the hardest. On those days, our walks were confined to the basement. He’d often collapse on the driveway, too tired to get up right away, forcing cars to wait. But most of the time, the neighbors were kind. They understood his condition.

His spirit, though, never waned. And in those quieter moments, watching him look at the world, I realized he was teaching me something—about aging, about resilience, about letting go. He was 11 years old then.

My father’s health was also failing during this time. He had been dealing with limited mobility for over a decade, the aftermath of a stroke and a recurring vertigo. He would watch Joshua’s struggle closely, as he dragged himself across the floor, or when he had an accident and needed help, or when he slowly made his way to the balcony.

He rarely spoke about it, but once in a while, he’d break his silence. “He’s struggling a lot. It’s difficult to watch.” I never knew how to respond to that. I would just nod and leave the room, unsure of what he was really feeling as he sat there, blankly staring at Joshua’s struggle.

Pain, both mental and physical, is difficult to put into words. And even when you do, you quickly realize how inadequate it sounds—like you’ve diminished something that can’t be contained in sentences. It’s easier to talk about happiness or hope. Those moments may be fleeting, but they’re far easier to describe.

A year passed. Joshua was now 12, and we noticed he was losing his vision. In hindsight, the long stares during his walks—those moments when he seemed lost in thought—may have been the first signs. But dogs, they say, can live happily without sight; their noses guide them well enough. Still, his steps had become more cautious, more hesitant.

He had also developed small lumps on his legs. At first, we assumed they were a result of his reduced mobility over the past few years. They weren’t soft or painful, so we didn’t worry much until the vets suggested they could be tumors. Fortunately, they didn’t seem malignant, and surgery, at his age, was too risky. We were told to let it be.

Amid all of this, we tried to preserve some normalcy. Joshua still had a strong appetite, and whenever he ate, there was that familiar joy. In times like these, you learn to celebrate the little wins, to find hope in small moments of happiness. It’s what keeps you going.

We invited friends and family who knew him well to visit often. They would sit with him, cuddle, or just lie next to him—nothing fancy, just company. That’s all he ever wanted. Well, except for those moments when the scent of tandoori chicken wafted through the air during get-togethers. Then, out of nowhere, that familiar bark would resurface, a reminder of the dog he always was—alert, hopeful, and never too far from the next treat.

It was then that a tiny, invisible force entered the world of humans, a harbinger of ruin. They called it COVID-19. It struck like a blow from behind, knocking the breath out of us. And when we came to our senses, the world had changed—everything we once knew had to be done differently. Some fortunate souls reveled in the novelty of working from home, but for others, it felt like staring down the barrel of a gun. We were confined to our ghettos, our bubbles grew thicker, and life became smaller.

But amidst the chaos, the shift was especially cruel for our pets—particularly for a dog like Joshua. What would become of his walks now that the world had shut its doors? He didn’t have much time left as it was. How would this isolation, this disruption, impact his already ailing body?

We didn’t have to wait long to find out. A second arthritic attack struck him down, harder and faster than we’d expected. Time, it seemed, had made its decision.

Fortunately, during the pandemic veterinary services were deemed essential. Despite continuing his earlier medications, we felt the need for someone to check on Joshua’s progress. Luckily, we found a vet who was willing to visit our home during those uncertain times. This was nothing short of a godsend.

The silver lining of the pandemic was that we were all home, able to tend to him. This wasn’t just a comfort for Joshua—it became a source of strength for us as his caregivers. The shared presence and attention gave us the collective support we needed.

However, a lot happened during the first wave of Covid. The morning after the first lockdown was announced, my father suffered a minor stroke. He was in Kolkata with my brother, and I had no way to travel to him. Fortunately, he recovered and was out of hospital in a day. Soon after, my sister-in-law contracted Covid. She too pulled through, without vaccines and—miraculously—without spreading it to the rest of the family.

It was a time that reminded us of how fragile life really is. Everything we had once taken for granted suddenly felt precious. The reality of our own mortality loomed large, and we knew it was only a matter of time before the virus reached our doorstep. The question was: how long could we hold off the inevitable?

As the first wave of Covid subsided, Joshua was well into his 13th year, and by some stroke of luck, we had emerged largely unscathed. The pandemic had forced the world to reassess its priorities. People began to rediscover forgotten dreams, lost hobbies, and the finite nature of everything became strikingly clear. I managed to publish the book I had been working on for two years—a small victory amidst the chaos. Marketing it without bookstores or face-to-face interactions was a nightmare, but I never expected miracles from my first book. Just getting it into the hands of readers and having them share their thoughts felt like a win. Over time, it found a small, loyal reader base. For me, the greatest satisfaction was in proving I could finish what I had set out to do.

But this period took a heavy toll on Joshua. Much like how we now talk about the long-term effects of isolation on children—physically, behaviorally, and mentally—it was also a difficult time for our pets. Though Joshua survived the worst of his second arthritic attack, it aged him considerably. He could still stand and move around for a few minutes, but the effort left pain etched across his face. His legs would eventually give out, and he’d collapse. The medications, while necessary, were taking their toll. His once-strong body had become frail, emitting a persistent odor suggesting his health was slipping away. He frequently injured himself, leaving bloodstains on his feet and other places. The writing was on the wall—he was in the final stretch of his life.

At no point did we want to prolong Joshua’s suffering. Yet, much like how a person with dementia might experience brief moments of clarity, Joshua too found a sudden surge of energy—echoes of his old self. For a while, there was renewed vigor in his steps, a spark that gave us hope. In hindsight, it was a fleeting illusion. But as caregivers, we cling to such moments; they become our own source of comfort, a kind of pill to keep us going.

We were living in a dream—one that quickly crumbled. As the first wave of Covid faded, humanity reverted to its old habits. People disregarded social distancing, ignored caution, and the virus returned in a more virulent, deadly form. The second wave came crashing down, relentless and unforgiving. It overwhelmed us, catching everyone off guard, just when the weight of the first wave had begun to lift.

It was the worst possible timing. Any glimpse of normalcy felt like a cruel mirage. The world seemed to spiral deeper into despair. Headlines screamed of crumbling relationships, surging mental health crises, suicides, alcohol and drug abuse, domestic violence—anger and hopelessness consumed the masses. We were drowning in it all, and amidst this, Joshua’s final chapter was unfolding.

The Closure

Attachment that drives us to madness, fear that paralyzes us from letting go, and stories that shield us from facing reality—these are the fiends that whisper in our ears, convincing us to cling to convenient lies rather than confront the inconvenient truth.

For me, it was accepting that truth that proved hardest. For Kavita, it was the act of letting go. For Advay, our son, it was the pain he saw in us and his fear of what it would mean for our family. The bubble of these intertwined fears became our shared story, but no matter how tightly we held onto it, the truth loomed before us, relentless.

Now in his 14th year, Joshua in body was a faint shadow of his younger self. I don’t know if there was a younger soul in him or not. Maybe? But there was hardly any life left in him. How long were we going to keep this going?

In July of 2021, the inevitable decision was made. It was Kavita who had to voice it—not because I couldn’t, but because it was her right. She had been his mother, the one most bonded to her baby. For a long time, until then, she had been in denial, unwilling to let go. But in the end, it was her courage that broke the silence. She broke it, just like on the day she got him. It was clear and precise. I know how difficult it was for her, but it was a final act of love. Joshua had always been her dog, her companion, and his loyalty to her was unmatched.

That day is still as vivid as daylight. We chose to euthanize Joshua at home, not in a sterile hospital. It felt right—only we, his family, should be there to see him off. He deserved to leave this world lying in our laps, with our whispers of love surrounding him. The vet, who had been with us through the last two years of Joshua’s decline, agreed to help. As the injection entered his veins, he slipped quietly into a sleep from which there would be no waking. The pain that had etched itself on his face for so long finally vanished. He was free from everything—both the joys and the suffering.

We buried him close to his friends at the boarding house, the place he loved when we were away. In our hands, we carried letters that tried to capture the depth of our loss, and photographs filled with memories. As we placed these tokens into his grave, a gentle drizzle began to fall. The rain mixed with our tears, masking our grief, but not the cries of agony we could no longer hold back. For Kavita and me, Joshua wasn’t just our dog; he was a chapter in our lives, a chapter of growing up—from wild, carefree days to learning what it means to love deeply and to let go.

When I reached home, I was overwhelmed with the loss. I had always believed I was the one more prepared for it, but I was shattered. All that had transpired in the last few years flashed before my eyes. It took me a while to truly understand the depth of the loss.

Dogs can’t do anything material for you, and yet they leave an impact on your life that’s beyond measure. They are always there for you, and that’s all they can do for you. Their entire lives are spent observing us, trying to please us. This is why I could see Joshua in every corner of the house, after he was gone. It’s because he was everywhere, following us wherever we went.

This friendship between our species has shaped not just their evolution, but ours as well. But their love is more unconditional than ours, because they know how to live in the moment, to experience life to the fullest. We’ve lost that ability, and I have no doubt about it. After all, which other animal can love another species more than its own?

Here’s a quote that has me in tears every time I read it. It also sums up my thoughts at this moment.

“A dog has no use for fancy cars, big homes, or designer clothes. A water log stick will do just fine. A dog doesn’t care if you are rich or poor, clever or dull, smart or dumb. Give him your heart and he’ll give you his. How many people can you say that about? How many people can make you feel rare and pure and special? How many people can make you feel extraordinary?” – John Grogan – Marley & Me (2008)

***

Two days later, a puppy came home. He was just 35 days old. We had no intention of picking him up, but he chose us—he ran right toward me, as if he had been waiting for that moment. His eyes were the most expressive, marble-like that was hard to resist. That rainy night, with the deluge pouring down, we took him home. It felt like the rain was washing away the pain, making way for the next chapter.

We named him Nimbus. He’s three years old now. Last year he became a father to a girl we named Nola. I try not to see Joshua in Nimbus. He is beautiful, and unique in his own way. But what am I supposed to do with these stories in my head?

***

About the author –

Siddhartha Krishnan is the author of ‘Two and a Half Rainbows – A Collection of Short Stories’. A mad dog lover, tripaholic and a tale-weaver who shares his essays, travelogues, book and movie reviews on his blog (www.whatsonsidsmind.com).